This morning I apologized to God. “Oh, Lord, I’m sorry, but I need You again. That’s all I do, just need You, need You, need You. I never have it all together.”
And then I laughed.
Because I really was serious when I said it, but then God allowed me to see the absolute absurdity of my statement.
What, exactly, could I provide for God?
What do I have besides my very neediness?
When I think I have something—anything—I’m delusional. I belong in the spiritual nuthouse.
How interesting that I am most sane when I am at my most needy, when I see that I am a complete mess. And I am most INsane when I feel like I have some control, like I have things together.
The prophet Isaiah, when he was transported to heaven, said, “I am undone.” In the presence of the holy, holy God, Isaiah recognized his own true state of inability and lack. Our self-help culture would say this is an unhealthy mental state, that Isaiah needs to buck up, pull it together, and think positively. And yet God orchestrated this. He wanted Isaiah to feel (as other translations say it) “ruined.” It was only after this that He led Isaiah into a bold, powerful ministry. Isaiah’s un-doing allowed him to see that his source of strength really was God, that Isaiah was powerless on his own.
I want to see—more frequently and more deeply—the holy God.
These true visions will undo me, they will ruin me; but this holy God is also merciful. He tells me to call on Him in time of need.
And my “time of need” is ALL the time.